Mission Impossible

While Tut searched for the rain room I collected the cash for accommodation from Liz, Sharon and the Kid, then went in search of Jim the Giant. I found him flicking out coasters like some colossal, Las Vegas croupier and accidentally elbowing assorted fixtures and fittings in the lounge bar. After settling the bill and partaking in a little idle chit chat I learned that our B&B was nothing more than a B. It seems breakfast had been omitted from the deal - rumored to have done a runner with the ampersand. Jim was a very large man, I was merely overweight. I had no inclination to take it further. I trudged back upstairs to convey the bad news to the crew.

'Guys, breakfast denied. She's a bed only affair I'm afraid.'
'Get fuck.'
'Get fuck. What the fuck does get fuck mean Andrew?'
'Fuck if I know.'
'You're weird!'
'Wanna mess with Tut's head?'
'How?'
'You paid the bill right?'
'Yeah'
'Tut's in the shower, he don't know that. We'll tell him we're doing a runner. Tell him we're pissed off with the no breakfast situation. If the girls join in, he'll believe.'
'That's peer group pressure Andrew. It's low, it's kinda cruel. Lets go with it.'

With a hell of a lot of fuss and humming the theme tune from Mission Impossible we made our secret escape. And as if to plan, Jim was squeezing his way along the hall carrying a beer barrel in each hand, blocking our path and grinning like a dog with two dicks. Tut nudged behind me as I took the lead.

'Jim, it's been a pleasure' I said. 'We'll be recommending Brecon and your lovely little establishment to all our friends back in London.'
'That's very kind of you, thanks for staying.' he replied.
'No problemo and may I say, the price is spot on.' I winked for dramatic effect. Jim looked at me kinda strangely, then smothered my outstretched hand in a spine jarring handshake. I picked myself up off the carpet and casually we made our exit.

'You're as cool as cat shit Doddo. I can't believe we pulled that off.' Craig was visibly shaken, but pumped up all the same.
'You are young Craig, but you shall learn. Stick with me my friend, I'll take you places.'
'Shouldn't we, you know, get a bit of a move on.'
'Right you are mate. Never know how these country types might react. Should we maybe grab a bite first, not sure about you lot but I'm starving.' Our group nodded as one with the exception of Craig. 'No really, lets get something down the road a bit.'
'Gotta relax brother. I want OJ and my father always said, never argue with Sicilian men and never be drunk and naked near heavy machinery.'
'So?'
'What?'
'So, what's that got to do with anything?'
'Well, nothing really, just thought it was kind of a cool thing to say.'
'You're fucked in the head.'
'And?'